pare ko

it’s funny how these days, all i think about are my friends. how well they are or how they’ve been holding up. all i think about are the things i’ve done them wrong and the times they unknowingly hurt me. see, i’m not a barkada person. i happily locate myself in a group of three or four people who can surprisingly tolerate one another. i also have solo friends whom i poached from different groups and randomly have dinners with. however, most of the time, i feel lonely. i often hear myself saying “i have no friends”, and even my throuple group agrees. we often seclude ourselves. we do not force the vibe. if we do not like something or someone, we wouldn’t really bother. and i dont think this is bad at all. i hate barkadas who only end up gnawing and turning on each other. however, i still feel lonely. these are the days when i ask myself the reason why i date people. is it because i want this person or do i see a friend in them. nonetheless, if there’s one thing i’m sure of, it’s deteriorating friendships. those that are not to be salvaged. those that once flicked, are already forgotten to die. or those that are refused to be taken care of. let’s face it, we all grow. gone are the days when we needed a whole ass speech for our birthdays just to be considered as the best friend. sometimes, all we need are those people who remember our names in clubs to consider someone as a friend. heck, i even consider most of my ex-landis as friends. so whenever i feel lonely, i just check my followings on my dump and i realize that there are people i feel comfortable sharing my katangahans with and i think it’s for a reason. and for a second, i feel less lonely.

a month in quarantine made me realize how much i really hate myself :)

ok hi a little update about myself: nothing’s really changed, same old same old. i’m still dying from all the creative shit i take to function ^__^ i’m still enjoying my carefree self and i’m still enjoying getting a lot of mini-heartbreaks just because. i’m enjoying the people around me and the vibe they give off. life has been good! :) i’ve been really trying so hard to get better grades because i like pushing myself like that. it’s more for selfish and self-gaining reasons, at this point. my mom doesn’t really bother so much so yeah there’s that. also, i’m still in my i’ll-get-better and i’ll-work-on-myself-and-get-better stage so yeah nothing’s really changed in that aspect. oh!! i lost a couple of kilos and fats so yehey at least something’s happening hekheK also this sem was supposed to be my limited-uwi sem but hi ncov i never thought i’d see my family whole again for a whole month damN im excited to see our red colors again haha missed my family and our petty fights though. oki that’s it imma study now yey! i really talk way too much no

damn this hits straight from home

tanong ko lang, kelan mo kaya tinapon yung toothbrush ko? kelan mo naisip na wala na to, di na to babalik? kelan ka tumigil mag-intay? bumili ng paborito kong ice cream para madatnan ko pagpunta ko sa’yo? naglaan ng ekstrang tuwalya? ekstrang tsinelas? ekstrang kaha? ekstrang charger? ekstrang unan? ekstrang damit?

no, i’m not ready. i’m not ready to care so much. pour all the energy i have just so our days and nights could resemble something like love. mean all the sorry’s just so our fights would be over. save your location on my grab so i could pin it easily. befriend the guard at your place so i could walk gracefully without anyone beeping me. remember that your unit is third to the right, after i make a turn. remind myself that i should remove my slippers before going in your restroom, and at the same time, turn on the heater first before stepping in the shower cos damn you get so mad whenever i ask you to do it for me whenever i forget. put you on my favorites list so your name would still appear when my phone is set on do not disturb. defend you to my friends that night you disappointed me. make a playlist to the songs i know very well i wouldn’t be able to listen to once we end. meet you in the hallways and pretend as if i haven’t seen you naked. i’m not ready to miss your scent. i’m not ready to fall out of something. i’m not ready to undo habits. 

2019

you made me so full of love i forgot to take everything at my pace. you made me almost commit to people and situations we both know i just wasn’t ready for. you made me regret so many things, things that would stick within my lifetime. ways i could not just change and have-dones i could not just erase. you failed my health and i’m scared there’s no end to this. you saw me strive, you saw me breakdown thrice as more as this body could. you made me feel feelings, emotions i have longed for all my life. and now i’m wondering if this is what i really wanted in the first place (basically the theme of my year). you made me second-guess myself, made me almost give up my first choice – you watched me as i struggle with my passion and with what i thought i was good at.

you weren’t just a year, you are THE YEAR. to all the yes’s i honestly did not think i could say yes to, and to all the no’s i wish i’ve said more of, damn you! you were an exciting year, but please die your clock now. i’m goodbyeing to you and your shitty ass. 2020 will be the i-know-better-year, and i’m claiming it. thank you, 2019, but your show is over :)

gagO I REALLY HUSTLED THIS SEM like pota i know super gago ko din this sem pero i make sure na i really prioritize my acads so lyk wala im sad lang kasi panget ng grades ko ayun lang and im so soft for mommy kasi she said i did my best naman daw so ayun no need to stress out kaso wala alam ko kasi grabe i really pushed myself super hard this sem kaya tangina mamamatay nako sa bisyo ko putangina kaso wala puta la lang skL sad aku

cee

there’s always this fear,

not the kind of fear you can tuck yourself in the bed to

and pretend your blanket actually bugs away those monsters

nor the kind of fear you can call your dad to

and honestly, it’s not as easy as killing that flying ipis

it’s this fear

the fear of knowing a great pain might be coming

and that it’s just really hard now to justify 

the difference between being smart and being bobo

being strategic and knowing your worth

being walled up and being gago

it’s this fear 

it has always been this fear

and fuck,

i can never get it out

here i am just collecting sum new songs for my spotify ^_^ life’s good hehe i h8 this lifestyle kdhsjksjjalaj